I found out tonight that you have the cancer. You are still a happy girl according to your capable caretaker, but you are weak, and the nausea and diarrhea has taken 20lbs away from your once strong frame. The vet says that three months would be a long time for you, and that the best thing to do is to make you comfortable, let you eat anything you want and give your ears extra rubs.
You were the first dog I ever loved, and when I realized that fact, and how much space you took up in my heart, I was so overjoyed it. I had made space for you, and that meant I was getting better, becoming well again. Proof that I was becoming less selfish.
When I first met you, I was quite annoyed at you. I was on a date, and you stood on the console between myself and the driver, looking at her. Not looking at me. It was obvious that I was being snubbed.
It took a year or two, but one day I realized that you were my dog. Or more accurately, you picked me to lead. Oh, you loved Summer (your best love) fiercely, and scrambled around when she came home and looked to her when I was busy, but you followed me everywhere.
You play a shitty game of fetch, but you were a mighty squirreler.You became a mind reader for bacon and streak, and could eat a shelf worth of books in an evening. I never though a dog could go through a pound of sugar and a case of cliff bars, soap and candy in an evening, and use the garbage a nightcap,
I admired your genius at enjoying life and its comforts. Early morning potty breaks that lasted 2 hours, and included a swim in the creek and a roll in rotten salmon.
I would crawl back to bed, and you would start at one side of the bed,rubbing you body around the edge, from my pillow down to the foot and around the corner to the head on the other side, turning and repeating until the comforter was in a pile on the floor. You had taken almost all the wet and mud off your legs, side and belly and you would look at us, sitting up, shivering and confused.
Then you would bark.
Things fell apart though at the farm though. Your people made choices and changes. You were left out in the decision making. I am sure your solutions would have been more logical than ours were. “Lets walk it out!!” “Lets play in the creek instead!!” “Why are you fighting when there is PERFECTLY GOOD steak in the pan?”
I left, moved to a place far away, and my visits shortened.
When I moved my things on that last trip you were very anxious. You would not part more than a foot from me.
You tried to get into the truck, even though it was unfamiliar to you, because you knew I was leaving in it.
The next time I saw you was a couple months later, I think. I saw your best love in the parking lot and walked over to see you two. You saw me ran up, sniffed me and then walked away, climbing into the back of your best loves car, peering out. She laughed and said “I think she is angry at you.” I sat next to you,but you moved over, and rolled up, pushing your head as far away from me as you could.
“I think she is saying ‘fuck you’ to you”
“Yes.” I said.
The next time I saw you, I was working hard between shifts or something and asked if I could sleep at the farm for an hour, and you came home. You must have smelled me because you ran straight in and BURST through the door and jumped up on the bed just frantic, like it was old times, like it was all solved and everything was in it right place. After a minute you cooled off, like “Oh.. shit, that was embarrassing, I am mad at him you know.”
I asked if I could see you again. To say goodbye and slip you a treat or two. I think it will work out. Your best love and I still have to figure our people problems out, but I am sure I will get a chance to say “Thank you” to you.
Sobbing right now.
My favorite picture of you is this one. Sitting next the the creek, just enjoying the day with me. I think it was the day I was pulling the fence out of the creek to help with the salmon run. Remember that you flushed that massive Chinook at me, like a cannon ball of endangered species and you came crashing after barking at me like I was an idiot for not grabbing it.
I am pretty sure that dogs end up in the big park in the sky, with the chew toy that never quite gives up the squeaky box in it chest, a clear creek, tall grass and rabbits and fish and goats and deer for days and days and days.
